Post by Cem on Aug 8, 2008 4:32:39 GMT -5
I've read the first section you posted, and I like it. It moves a bit fast, like there isn't a lot of detail for everything that happens. And one thing you could do to make it flow much better is to start a new line every time a different person speaks, it can get a little confusing. But I do really like the story! I'll read the rest you've posted later on when I have some more time.
